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I want a baby but wife seems distant when I talk about it: Where does this leave us?

By: Daniel Chubb | October 4, 2007 | 5 Comments

I want a baby

I have come across this so many times now you know the dilemma of I want a baby but the partner does not, well one particular story that stands out for me is the one about me. I have been with my wife now for 17 years she is 37 and I am 36, we met when I was 19 and she was 20, 11 years of that 17 we have been married. Yes ok we have had troubles and have also split up when I was 30 for 2 years which was a mutual agreement; the split was for many reasons including this one.

I thought normally it is the woman that long to have a baby and they are the ones that get broody so to speak, but in this case it is all reversed. I have always been great with kids for years being that I have a huge family so always around them; I have many people in the family and friends too saying I would be a brilliant dad and yes I have always loved to be a dad.

It seems that no matter how much I go on asking my wife about having children she seems to shy away from this discussion of which not really coming up with any real reason why we cannot, for years she has said if she gets pregnant then she gets pregnant but come on if you are taking the pill which she denies she is how the hell can you get pregnant unless the pill fails of course.

I love my wife dearly and would not change that and after the split things are much better than they ever were, we are husband and wife as well as friends which is all good, she has said in the past that she is selfish and that having a baby ties you down but come on she is 37 and my rule has always been that is far too old too have a baby and surely her biological clock is slowly ticking away to the brink of she may never be able to have children.

Please let me know if anyone is having the same problem as me, being it if you a man wanting a baby or a woman wanting a baby, and any advice will be grateful.

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  • kerry

    My personal opinion is that you either want kids or you don’t and it seems that your wife has decided that she does not want kids and is happy with the way her life is.

    It is sad to say but no matter how much you would love kids you are going to have to except that this is not going to happen which is shame as people have said you would have made a great dad wish I sure you would have.

    Things happen for a reason and the only person who knows why she doesn’t want kids is your wife and for some reason that is the life she has chosen.

    You say that you love your wife dearly and would not change that so I guess it is up to you where you go from here

    I have two kids and yes they do tie you down but I would not be without them.

    Good luck

  • gypsy

    looks like you will have to face the fact that you will never be a father, in my opinion if you both were to be parents it would have happened years ago. Seems to me your wife likes the life she has and like you say you get selfish. Being a parent requires a lot of sacrifices and some people are not prepared to make them. You are either Maternal or not maybe she just isn’t.I think you are past the talking stage don’t you .

  • Michael

    Suppose, for a moment that she isn’t lying about taking the pill. But you haven’t got 6 kids? Think about it some more.

    This could mean that she can’t have children and her reluctance to discuss this could then quite easily be explained because, before you’ve found out, you’ve made it crystal clear that you do want them enough to have left her once.

    It’s no wonder she will then make excuses when younger about ‘being tied down’ or making statements like ‘if I get pregnant, then I get pregnant’ rather than telling the truth, if it is the truth.

    That might be caused by her fear that this guy will leave her [again over no kids] because you seem to think that running around on a park or having a few siblings automatically makes you a candidate for father of the fscking year. Who seemingly can’t think of more than one explanation for why he hasn’t already got at least one kid for each time you’ve slept together.

    If so, it needn’t be the end of the world or the relationship – there are plenty of kids in the world that are looking for good parents.

    Another alternative, perhaps you can’t have kids? If so, find out for sure. [If it turns out to be the case make sure you publish the results along with suitable grovelling apology to your wife]

    I assume you don’t know because if either of you already had kids you would have solved your problem…

    Whatever the true reasons and facts are. You’d be better finding them out before proclaiming it to the world and asking questions like ‘Where does it leave us?’ – if your wife seems distant when you talk to her, perhaps you should look at the way you speak / act / react to her if she said what she felt without holding back.

    e.g if she said “I never want a baby” or “I can never have a baby” then what is your reaction going to be? If it’s different for each situation viz “If you can’t have a baby fair enough, but if you merely don’t want one I’m not happy” then your relationship is probably doomed.

    Simply put though, if she doesn’t want a baby, then it’ll leave you without a baby. No different to now. From what you’ve said she seems happy enough with that. If you can’t be, then your relationship is doomed.

    OTOH, if you can accept the relationship for what it is now, you might have a chance.

    Publishing / looking at pictures of cute babies and telling us your wife must be deceitful whilst acting as though you are somehow hard done by here isn’t going to be conducive to having a dialog with your wife about her true feelings though. In short, the person you want to be /listening/ to is your wife, not me.

  • baby elephant

    i think you have to accept that you are never going to be a dad and you need to get used to that sad fact..
    i think you wife likes having a care free life and having no ties ..
    having children is massive commitment and takes a lot of time something you wife is not prepared to sacrifice.
    i have 2 children myself and its such a tie down that you have to devote all your attention on them 24 hour a day ..
    if your wife don’t want any now, i don’t think she ever will
    maybe you need to discuss this issue with her ..
    good luck.

  • Mark

    Michael -

    Thanks for your comment, if my wife could or could not have children it would not make any difference to our relationship as i love her very dearly. What i meant by “where does that leave us? by the way will we both know the real reason.

    We split up mainly on other things not just about the above more so about many other problems but they are pass history and we are so happy togther, it just niggles me why we have not really sat down like a married couple and discussed this issue. I know my wife more than anyone, 17 years is more than enough ime to know someone, the fact of the matter is and what i believe is that she likes the quite life and does not like responsibilty even thou i know for a fact she would make a lovely mother, she is loving and caring but obviously not enough to have children. We can chat about anything other than this.